Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega

The Onion

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Best Get-Laid Plan

The Onion

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Comes With The Mugs

The Onion

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Academy Museum Acquires Original Disney Adult

The Onion

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ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural

The Onion

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Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike

The Onion

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Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’

The Onion

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Mitch Nagler

The Onion

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Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam

The Onion

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I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.

The Onion

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Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces ‘Strait Of Hormuz’

The Onion

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Human Arm Hanging Limply Out Of Food Delivery Robot

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Price Of Teeth Rises

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Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral

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Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran

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Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna

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Data Centers By The Numbers

The Onion

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NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball

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Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?

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Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie

The Onion

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