CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning. “Listen, I don’t know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I’ve got a real doozy […]

The post Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today appeared first on The Onion.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division […]

The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter  appeared first on The Onion.

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing.  Save time by having a clear idea of what kind of old shit you’re looking for.  Arrive in a van or truck large enough to fit 30-plus paintings of pale children picking flowers. Double-check […]

The post Tips For Antiquing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to “just go with their gut.” “You’ve done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts […]

The post Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut appeared first on The Onion.

CORVALLIS, OR—As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. “I’ve been procrastinating on these for months because I just don’t want to deal with them, and now I’ve […]

The post Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up appeared first on The Onion.