SAN FRANCISCO—Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old’s stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. “I hit her, like, two whole days ago—what gives?” said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away […]

The post Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

The post RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’ appeared first on The Onion.

OLYMPIA, WA—Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organization’s exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. “Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I can’t believe I finally get to try […]

The post Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Embarking on their self-described “diplomatic voyage” at the National Mall Tuesday while their wives and children waved goodbye, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly declared, “We’re off to see the world!” as they set sail across the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “Anchors aweigh!” shouted Donald Jr. jubilantly, peering through a toilet paper tube while standing […]

The post ‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool  appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. “Yeah, man, things are fine—same old, same old,” said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch […]

The post Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend appeared first on The Onion.