The post Larry Summers Announces He Will Step Down From Chair With Belt Around Neck appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed after overhearing the young girl on the other side of the park fence, rapper Nicki Minaj reportedly stated “You think you’re better than me?” Wednesday while confronting a child for reciting nursery rhymes. “How many albums have you sold, huh?” asked the 42-year-old artist, who posted a short video of the child to […]

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SAN FRANCISCO—Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old’s stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. “I hit her, like, two whole days ago—what gives?” said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away […]

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The post RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’ appeared first on The Onion.

OLYMPIA, WA—Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organization’s exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. “Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I can’t believe I finally get to try […]

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