Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we’re not angry. If anything, we’re just […]

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting […]

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WASHINGTON—Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music’s power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%. “After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together,” said […]

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WASHINGTON—Drawing intense scrutiny for what opponents have characterized as misuse of agency resources, FBI director Kash Patel came under fire Tuesday for using an FBI jet to blow-dry his hair. “On numerous occasions, Kash Patel has inappropriately utilized a government-funded Gulfstream jet to add shine and smoothness to his hair after a shower,” said Illinois Sen. […]

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