NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed […]

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MINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough of him when I was abroad,” said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian […]

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CAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, […]

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WASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the nation’s ambience with […]

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