The post Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. “After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a […]

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The post ‘Victens Wemponyaga’ Begins Promising Kendrick Perkins Sentence appeared first on The Onion.

Meta announced a new Instagram Plus subscription plan for $3.99, allowing extra features such as the ability to extend stories longer than 24 hours and see who rewatched users’ stories. What do you think?

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FORT WORTH, TX—In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in particular. “For decades, this part of Fort Worth has languished as nothing more than a loving community for […]

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