WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s servants dance for their children’s enjoyment. “Maybe instead of 30 dolls this Christmas, children play with the life-size human figurines they […]

The post Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing onto me really gets the brain juices flowing,” said Morales, who described a […]

The post Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone appeared first on The Onion.

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the boonies of the almond milk world, but you better […]

The post Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now appeared first on The Onion.

Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to discuss its complex racial history without bringing the Irish into things. Q: Has Sinners broken any […]

The post What To Know About ‘Sinners’ appeared first on The Onion.

A runaway kangaroo named Sheila managed to shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama before state troopers and the animal’s owner were able to wrangle the wayward marsupial. What do you think?

The post Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway appeared first on The Onion.