LOS ANGELES—Noting that this year’s nominations had once again completely omitted an important sector of cinema, actor Tim Allen took to social media Thursday to call out the Oscars for failing to recognize movies where a guy turns into a dog. “By not elevating these films, the Academy is sending the message that stories about […]

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MILFORD, MA—Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna Higgins reportedly threw herself on a grenade Tuesday by answering a phone call from her dysregulated friend. “I’m so sorry, Jennifer—it must be really hard to get dumped so soon after you stopped taking your antidepressants,” […]

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President Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump’s statements regarding Greenland.  Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China. Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States. Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if […]

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The post Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First Time appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Leaning forward in his seat as a number of questions raced through his mind, Dwayne Johnson was reportedly intrigued Monday after learning there was a special trophy for good actors. “Huh, interesting—and you said they give them out every year?” asked Johnson, who frowned as he racked his brain in an attempt to recall if […]

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