BURBANK, CA—Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate’s vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company’s intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. “That’s very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base,” said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed […]

The post Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” […]

The post Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive appeared first on The Onion.

The post Rams-Seahawks Game Preempted By ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ Rerun appeared first on The Onion.

Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don’t Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.  Genre: Brand collaboration Famous Relatives: Rihanna’s kids Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through […]

The post Artist Profile: A$AP Rocky appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly microwaved the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. “Look, look, I think it’s starting to melt!” said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who pressed his […]

The post Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave appeared first on The Onion.