JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be […]

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WASHINGTON—Saying the expansive response was entirely justified based on the dire state of her physical appearance, outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem defended the use of force on her own face Thursday. During a press conference, the 54-year-old soon-to-be former Cabinet member spoke proudly of her role in what she described as the “greatest facial […]

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BOSTON—In startling new research connecting gaming habits with verbal behavior, a Boston College study published Monday found that young children who played violent video games were significantly more likely to say “That’s Goro” when shown a picture of Goro. “While their peers who did not play violent video games failed to identify Goro when presented […]

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