CLEVELAND—Saying the costs had begun to outweigh the benefits, administrators at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed Tuesday that they had decided to discontinue their use of a cancer-sniffing leopard in clinical settings. “Our ability to rapidly and accurately identify the disease has improved remarkably since we began using our detection leopard Fang in cancer screenings, but […]

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ST. LOUIS—Touting the vehicle service as his secret to successfully slimming down and completely transforming his body, new Enterprise spokesman Ryan Moore told reporters Monday he had lost 250 pounds by renting cars. “I used to be grossly overweight, I tried everything, and nothing worked until I started going to Enterprise every day on my […]

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JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Dazed and battered as it dragged itself to safety, the liver belonging to Tiger Woods was photographed crawling out of the legendary golfer’s body Friday following a severe car crash. Moments after Woods clipped the back of a trailer and rolled his Land Rover, the reddish-brown organ reportedly emerged from the abdomen of […]

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The post Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly became unsure Monday how his rambling speech on Iran had veered off into a ranking of the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. “The first one […]

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