EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had suddenly started acting cagey about what she was going to order. “Hello, Earth to Sarah, we asked you what you’re getting,” said local woman Sydney Garner, 32, locking eyes with her […]

The post Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—In a move that has drawn widespread praise, billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott reportedly donated $80 million Tuesday to reboot Living Single. “It’s inspiring and refreshing to see an ally who’s not just talking the talk, but walking the walk,” said Living Single fan Melanie Parker, who noted that the need for the reboot of the […]

The post MacKenzie Scott Donates $80 Million To Reboot ‘Living Single’ <HW> appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that he had fired the nation’s sitting piss czar. During a White House press conference, Kennedy explained that he had decided to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over […]

The post RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Struggling to explain the recent development during a polite conversation at her neighbor’s house, local woman Sarah Walker reportedly tried Tuesday to find a nonpolitical way to explain that her cleaner had been deported. “Maria will no longer be coming by to tidy up on Wednesdays because of everything going on right now,” Walker said […]

The post Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Accusing the pair of a severe breach of contract, TLC filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the stars of 1000-lb Sisters for losing too much weight. “We are asking both Tammy and Amy Slaton to return to their original sizes immediately,” said TLC spokesperson Richard Lemmers, who alleged that the reality series stars had conspired […]

The post TLC Sues ‘1000-Lb Sisters’ For Losing Weight appeared first on The Onion.