The post Study Finds Most Americans Can’t Find Where They Are Being Deported On Map appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump’s remodeling of the White House continues, which so far has included the demolition of the East Wing to add an expensive ballroom and outfitting his ensuite bathroom with premium Italian marble. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the renovations. 3: Chandeliers in the situation room $500 million: Funding from wealthy […]

The post Trump’s White House Renovations By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed head. “It could be nothing, but it’s a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no?” said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that […]

The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head appeared first on The Onion.

GUILFORD, CT—Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. “Are you sure Grandma can support the baby’s head with […]

The post Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn appeared first on The Onion.

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of trouble. I’d be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do things where you’re from, ’round here we have our own way of dealin’ with criminals, and that’s […]

The post Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process appeared first on The Onion.