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CLEVELAND—In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. “Holy shit, they really just went for it, huh?” said local man Derek Allsworth, one of several people who shook their heads in begrudging respect […]

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NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. “This year, instead of a big blowout with over 83,000 fans, we’ll be keeping the guest list down […]

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WASHINGTON—Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was “from a tree or something” but remained a mystery otherwise. “Have you seen this leaf before?” read a post on […]

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MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor,” said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, […]

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