The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.

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David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians.

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ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord […]

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WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child’s uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother’s oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands […]

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TOADSTOOL VALE—To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Björk held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest. “This next song goes out to this enchanted mushroom forest and all the drooping sunflowers who were affected by the orb of night’s […]

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