WASHINGTON—Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his daughter Ivanka Trump kiss in a model of his under-construction White House ballroom, reports confirmed Thursday. According to sources, Trump raised the pitch of his voice and said, “Such a splendid ballroom, Daddy! Let us dance!” […]

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Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence. Here’s what you need to know about the document. Q: What is an encyclical? A: It’s like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI. Q: What is the encyclical titled? A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx Q: Were any AI companies or […]

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LOS ANGELES—Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show’s third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili’s ad for a role in Euphoria. “That’s it, I’m ruined,” said Lynch, who told reporters he was “kicking [himself]” over his […]

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The post Secret Service Tackles Blood Clot That Jumped White House Fence appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI—Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone’s looks a four out of 10. “Oh God, oh God—what has she done? I’m a monstrosity! I’m hideous!” said the formerly chisel-jawed […]

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