WASHINGTON—Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump’s health swirled Friday after he screamed, “Fuck! I’m dying!” during a press conference. “Fuck! I’m fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!” Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway […]

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The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race.  Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!” Prospects: Slim, but they said […]

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You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what’s right.

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MONTREAL—Admitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perry’s house. “Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race […]

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LOS ANGELES—In a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal “all good” to their buddies after falling off the roof. “New evidence suggests hominids first evolved this movable appendage […]

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