A new study revealed that sharks in the Bahamas tested positive for cocaine, caffeine, painkillers, and other substances, with such contaminants increasingly found in tourism-driven marine environments. What do you think?

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The post Melania Trump: ‘Never Once In My 4,000 Years Have I Been To Epstein Island’ appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. “Let me clear: While I have deep ties to a certain affluent individual and secret societies involved in pedophilia, I never once sexually harmed children […]

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SAN ANSELMO, CA—Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee’s success, Star Wars creator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. “Hey man, I know it’s been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I’m really proud […]

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NEW YORK—Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn’t believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. “It’s honestly insane—you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, […]

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