The post Ref Under Uprights Sheepishly Waits To Do ‘Good’ Sign Until Other Ref Does It First appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, […]

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The post ‘We’ll Take It From Here, Boys,’ Says Kash Patel To Confused Minneapolis Mail Carrier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met […]

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The post JD Vance Claims Renée Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place appeared first on The Onion.