HYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so […]

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after […]

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Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands […]

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. “Please, people, I’m begging you—we don’t want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer […]

The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.

A Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI. Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question “Are you sure?” Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use. […]

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