VILLENA, SPAIN—Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to […]

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As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. […]

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency […]

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WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. “After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited […]

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