AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official tracking app confirmed that Santa Claus paid a visit to his former girlfriend’s house around 3 a.m. Wednesday. “With our state-of-the-art satellite technology, we can see that ol’ St. Nick parked his reindeer on the roof and […]

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READING, PA—Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn’t even Jesus Christ, the Son of God. “There’s not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby is going to die for our sins,” said the child’s uncle Brandon Lowrey, explaining that beyond […]

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The post McConaissance Quietly Concludes appeared first on The Onion.

Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his […]

The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.