Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer being provided expedited screening, escorts through airports to bypass long security lines, or dedicated reservation desks. What do you think?

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SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. “Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to […]

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Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABC’s decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette. The Onion : Would you like to have a seat before we get started? Paul: I […]

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination,” said FDA Commissioner Martin […]

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WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the Federal Aviation Administration, the FX series Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette has begun inspiring viewers to half-ass their flying lessons. “What can I say, the show made it look cool,” said 26-year-old Bryce Spano, just one of thousands of fans of the […]

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