WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” […]

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South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?

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SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us,” […]

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, […]

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MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is […]

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