WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove […]

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PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it’s safe to come out. “While it’s […]

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After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

The post Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, […]

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