PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. “During a […]

The post Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Praising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. “This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York City townhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did […]

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The post ‘I Don’t Know How And It’s Not My Event’: Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion.

FORT MYERS, FL—Arriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reported to the annual Spring Training Dance Friday, marking the official return of baseball ahead of full-squad workouts later this month. Witnesses confirmed players filed into […]

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TrumpRx has officially launched. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new government website.  Q: What is TrumpRx? A: A strange line item you’ll see pop up on your credit card bill 15 times in a row. Q: What kinds of prescriptions can I get through TrumpRx? A: TrumpRx offers low-cost access […]

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