Previously quarantined cans of yellowfin tuna that were recalled due to a defective pull tab which could introduce botulism, a potentially fatal form of food poisoning, were mistakenly reshipped to stores in at least nine states. What do you think?

The post Canned Tuna Recalled For Potentially Fatal Botulism Mistakenly Reshipped appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that no one would realistically devote their life to serving others without being funded by nefarious actors, President Donald Trump alleged Monday that Democrats had secretly paid Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old Veterans Affairs nurse killed by U.S. Border Patrol agents in Minneapolis, to be a model citizen. “What they don’t want you to know is that […]

The post Trump Alleges That Democrats Secretly Paid Alex Pretti To Be Model Citizen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Urging locals to “fully cooperate” with federal agents, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem called on Minneapolis residents Monday to stop obstructing murders. “The brave men and women of ICE and the U.S. Border Patrol are doing their best to carry out these executions in a safe and professional manner,” said Noem, who emphasized […]

The post Kristi Noem Calls On Minneapolis Residents To Stop Obstructing Murders appeared first on The Onion.

The post That’s Norway to Treat a Lady appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. “I created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine […]

The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion.