Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his […]

The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.

The post McConaissance Quietly Concludes appeared first on The Onion.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered diplomatic correspondences to cease the use of Calibri font and revert to Times New Roman, attributing the previous change by the Biden Administration to misguided diversity initiatives. What do you think?

The post State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns appeared first on The Onion.

TORONTO—Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players’ Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between players. “The show’s portrayals of hockey players having sex with each other are wildly misinformed, and we are disappointed by the […]

The post Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex  appeared first on The Onion.

MACKINSHAW, NE—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior Geoffrey Lesseder stated Monday that he was starting to suspect the three school shootings he had been in might be about him. “At first I thought it was due to […]

The post Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him appeared first on The Onion.