The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. “Oh yeah, Vanessa, I love how slobbery your […]

The post Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard appeared first on The Onion.

Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?

The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.

A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?

The post Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that […]

The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.