The post Heaven Can’t Wait appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO—With the GOP’s redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the floor as gerrymandering ripped through the kitchen of their home. At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a […]

The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens […]

The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days’ worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion shares tips for repurposing your holiday leftovers. Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers. Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation. By whisking a couple of eggs into your […]

The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley appeared first on The Onion.