Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and thought leadership.” What do you think?

The post Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years appeared first on The Onion.

LIVIGNO, ITALY—In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter Games coverage this week to demanding answers from Olympic athletes about what happens to their old drug-test urine. “Madison, Evan, everyone’s talking about the judging controversy that cost you gold, […]

The post Mike Tirico Keeps Asking Olympians What Happens To Old Drug-Test Urine appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. “If they’re not standing on that podium, they’re traitors who should be […]

The post Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost appeared first on The Onion.

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about how their grandfather was always there to mess up stuff their grandma had just cleaned. “If there’s one thing you could say about Grandpa, it’s that he was continually tracking […]

The post Grandpa Remembered For Messing Up Stuff Grandma Just Cleaned appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could “help babies sweat out toxins.” “Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic—in a couple hours, your […]

The post RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’ appeared first on The Onion.