WASHINGTON—Gleefully strapping the protective garment under their chins and clapping, the U.S. populace announced this week that they like it when their bib has a picture of the food they’re eating. “Yay, our plate has lobster, and the bib has lobster right on the front, and now we won’t mess up our shirt,” said 61-year-old […]

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BURBANK, CA—Citing nearly a billion dollars of pent-up consumer demand for entertainment featuring an infant version of an already beloved character, a new report released Wednesday by Gower Street Analytics concluded that Disney’s decision not to call its upcoming Star Wars film The Baby Yoda Movie would cost the studio roughly $900 million. “By naming the film The Mandalorian And […]

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LOS ANGELES—Insisting that such queer stories were too often excluded from period dramas, Bridgerton showrunner Jess Brownell confirmed Wednesday that the show’s next season would feature two women falling in love, breaking up, and then forming a punk band. “Queer people have always existed, but until recently we didn’t highlight their stories on screen in […]

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ANN ARBOR, MI—Presenting data that quantified a fact already widely accepted as true, scientists at the University of Michigan released a study Wednesday proving that 97% of all sounds were infuriating. “A meta-analysis of research across the entire field of acoustics confirms that nearly every noise produced, whether artificial or natural, is completely enraging,” said […]

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