It was an overcast January morning in 2025 the day I decided to delete my operating system. The Ubuntu installer warned me that it would remove everything on my hard drive, permanently wiping the entire Windows 10 installation I'd been running for years at that point. I hesitated for a second - maybe I should […]

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers. “Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong […]

The post Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting Period appeared first on The Onion.

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump’s military spending by the numbers.

The post Trump’s Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renée Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of the matter is that Renée Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts,” said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year-old Minneapolis mother was reiterated across social media […]

The post Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.  Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, […]

The post Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom appeared first on The Onion.