When I moved to the UK some years ago, I developed a strange new fear that I was unfamiliar with. Despite living alone for many years at that point, it was the first time I was living abroad. For the first time, I realised that I was hundreds and hundreds of miles away from my parents. I suddenly became afraid of being far from my parents should something happen to them. This new anxiety took over my life. I was finding myself crying over things that hadn’t happened yet. I was also saving money if I needed to buy a last-minute flight. It was one of the reasons why I did therapy some years ago. I needed to let go of things I couldn’t control.

Then the pandemic happened. Something I didn’t even think could happen: flights were grounded. I was terrified that my parents would become seriously ill and I couldn’t see them, just like it happened to loads of people. I was not seeing my parents in person for nearly two years, but we made it.

Three months ago, my biggest fear happened. My dad passed away suddenly, and no money in the world and no amount of anxiety helped me be prepared for it. I got a phone call from my uncle informing me that my dad was suddenly in terrible shape and that it didn’t look good. He told me I should arrange to fly as soon as possible. It was evening, so I only had flights the next day. When I finished booking a flight, I got a phone call telling me my dad had passed away. I wasn’t on time. My biggest fear happened.

In this blog post, and in no particular order, I will share some of my favourite memories with my dad.

My dad used to call me whenever “In the Shadows” played on the radio and put his phone down for me to listen. He knew it was my favourite band and was excited for me every time they played on the radio.

My dad took me to see The Rasmus live in 2005. I was there for hours, queuing to be in the front row. My dad and mum went out for dinner and returned to the venue when the opening act started, and all the fans were already inside. My dad met the band and scored himself row 0 tickets and a free drink! Incredible!

I remember when he taught me how to ride a bicycle.

When I was tiny, we were walking somewhere, and I kept finding money on the floor, and I was over the moon! Turns out my dad was pranking me by throwing money on the floor without me noticing.

Almost every Christmas, there would be fun and complicated wrapped presents, surprises and pranks.

He would play with me and my little friends at my birthday parties when I was little.

His reaction when I shared that I was pregnant.

Our last Christmas together, the first with his granddaughter.

I miss you every day, dad.