Reading List

The most recent articles from a list of feeds I subscribe to.

Unsolicited rejection

Oh Hello Ana

Every once in a while I realise that I have been rejected for something I didn’t even apply for.

A couple of jobs ago, I was in the common area having lunch when a work colleague asked me if I had a Twitter account. “Yes”, I replied and told him my Twitter handle. I saw him scrolling on his phone and, after a minute, he looked at me and said: “wow, you don’t post anything about tech” whilst frowning. I don’t remember if I replied but I do remember, a few minutes later, checking my phone and noticing he didn’t follow me. It wasn’t that this person didn’t follow me, it was that this person actively looked up my profile, scrolled through, then voiced their disappointment in me out loud and “rejected” me.

I felt embarrassed and judged and it was an interaction that I never forgot. I internalised that interaction so hard that, six years after, it still bothers me and makes me judge my own social media activity from the “tech gaze” point of view.

Realistically, I understand that my feed (and me as a person) will not please everybody but this wasn’t really a stranger. This was someone who worked closely with me and, unsolicitedly, judged me and rejected me.

The unsolicited rejection was a frequent thing growing up as a woman but lately, it has taken a new form as I became a bit more active in the tech community.

Recently, I received a Twitter notification saying that I was tagged in a tweet. A wonderful friend of mine replied to someone who was asking recommendations for blog articles and the person asking was someone with quite a big following and, I suppose, popularity.

I was truly flattered that my friend thought of me, of all people, and I got a little bit excited at the idea that someone who is respected in the community could read what I wrote and appreciate it.

But nothing happened. Not even a “like” from the original poster. I felt embarrassed. Heck, I felt embarrassed that I noticed that it didn’t even get a “like”. I thought I was cooler than that. I wondered what happened. Did they click my blog post and thought “what a load of crap”? I felt a new flavour of shame that I wasn’t unfamiliar with but until that point, I couldn’t really explain it.

This had happened before when I am tagged in tweets that ask people to suggest “women in tech” to follow. Not that I am tagged frequently (at all), but the few times that I am, that has never resulted in a new follower. Did the original poster see my profile and thought “wow she sucks”? In the back of my mind, I’m always reminded of that interaction I had six years ago. I imagine someone perusing through my profile and thinking that I am not qualified.

When these types of tweets came out, I was flattered that someone thought of me. But the mental note still existed: someone rejected me when I didn’t even ask for it.

On the other hand, I understand now that many of these tweets are clout chasers. They are written by, usually, men, who want to do some performative work to pretend they care about diversifying their timeline. By having a popular tweet, and because a lot of people interacted with it in good faith, the social media algorithm works in their favour to promote their own account while also getting “ally” points. I’m sure they mute their own tweet immediately after posting it. This might explain it, but the rejection is still there.

When my inner critic is on and ready to hurt me, I imagine that other people scroll through those tweets and make a deliberate decision that I am not worthy. Almost like we would be in a group and somebody introduces me and nobody acknowledges what just happened.

There’s no resentment or bitterness here. Just the acknowledgement that it is an unpleasant feeling to sit with. Especially when you didn’t invite these situations.

Updated: 9th February 2021 - Added clarification to the introduction.

Traps

Oh Hello Ana

December 2020. As my venus fly trap goes into dormancy, I poke fun at our other accidental traps.

Bookmarks from September and October

Oh Hello Ana

The whole September I was quite overwhelmed with work and life. I remember that in September "The Social Dilemma" came out. I don't remember a lot more weirdly.

In October I managed to take two weeks off! Visited the Isle of Wight for the first time to celebrate my birthday. Last week I took some time off to study for my "Life in the UK" exam. I also took an English exam. And I passed both!! Now I have the basics to begin the process to apply for British citizenship.

Time is still blur. Some days are particularly hard. It is what it is.

Bookmarks related to tech or web development:

Other bookmarks:

Thoughts: this version of myself

Oh Hello Ana

When my Smashing Magazine article went live a couple of months ago a small discussion happened regarding my choice of words where I said I could have a  “one true version” of yourself online.

Behind my two extremes of either silence or self deprecating jokes, is a socially anxious human with baggage. I am not my “true self” online. I wish I was. But this, and I suppose this blog and my current social media activity, is indeed a true version of myself. Without any quote marks. But it is one of the many versions I have and they all have many things in common between them.

Behind “ohhelloana”

A name can be an important part of one's online identity and can be almost anything one chooses to represent themselves.

Quote from the page "name" in the IndieWeb wiki.

Many years ago, I wanted to be online without using my real name as I didn’t feel that it was completely safe for me. Not only that but Ana Rodrigues is a very common name so, in many popular websites, that username was already taken. I always liked speech balloons so this name came from that idea. And it was available almost everywhere! I would then use in the name fields something like “Ana R” in an attempt to deceive search results. It was around 2018 that I began to use the full surname in social media because around that time I began to give a couple of talks in meet-ups.

This domain, where this post lives, became the entry point from social media. When applying for jobs, I would redirect people to a domain that used my then legal name. It would still reference this blog somewhere but I was indeed creating two identities. Even if one of them was very easily discoverable (from my “professional domain” to this one), one would have to put in the effort. So two entry points: one more watered down for job prospects and with information that the recruiter would immediately want but keeping the door open if they wanted to know a bit more about myself as a person.

There were times where I thought I regretted this decision. It crossed my mind that having only one domain to represent me would be the best marketing (this whole sentence is a can of worms). I wondered if ohhelloana.blog was memorable enough. If I have a professional domain to apply for jobs, does this mean that this is my unprofessional domain? I wondered if I should buy all possible TLD combinations to ensure people would land here. In panic, I also bought ohhelloana.dev and anarodrigues.dev as soon as these became available. I wanted to be memorable without having to give up the illusion of privacy and safety that I created many years ago.

Overthinking this whole thing

Anyway, I feel very IndieWeb for having two different domains with two different information goals. Both represent me. I think a lot of people find themselves in this situation and it is a tiny bit harder when they work for the web.

For many of us, who work for the web, our domain is a way to stand out in the job market and, especially for freelancers, a way to secure gigs. A professional identity, a means to reach a goal. Perhaps a place where we can’t relax with ourselves as we become a product to be sold. From my perspective, it looks as if we allow our identity, our whole person, to perhaps glow a bit more in certain social media profiles while we truly constraint ourselves when it comes to our personal websites. It is interesting because in quite a few job interviews, you’re tested if you’re “a culture fit” (which is another can of worms).

This isn’t a criticism. In fact, for many people, this is the ideal and the expected thing. It fits their purpose and what they are comfortable with sharing and it is absolutely fine. It only becomes complicated when that isn’t the case.

The way I identify myself within the IndieWeb community is by this particular domain. I’m happy with that.

Lastly, Ana Rodrigues, is legally my old name. I decided to remove a couple of my names and add new ones some time ago. Isn’t that funny?

There’s no conclusion to this post. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. But this is my experience and how I am dealing with it right now.

August bookmarks

Oh Hello Ana

The highlight of the month was: My article for Smashing Magazine went live!! Please read (and share if you think someone else would like it too)! 🤗

Bookmarks from August

Web development

Nice things on personal websites

Others

Tweets

And now, in all honesty, my article was indeed the highlight of the month. Mostly because I struggled a lot with my mental health this past month. Maybe it is because I read a lot of unhappy things (my "others" section is nightmare fuel) but I can't help it. I can't just escape. Just a hopeless, powerless and anxious month. Hopefully this September I... feel better.

PS.: I am almost certain I missed some links here of awesome stuff friends did. I'm sorry... My brain isn't fully here recently.