Knox Morris stands onstage, stares out into the depths of the famed 9:30 Club in Washington, DC, and raises his arms to the heavens. The backing track to his song, a synth-heavy pop-punk number called "Going, Going, Gone," begins to play at an absolutely deafening volume. Morris grins through the first few staccato bars of […]

This house is ideal, apart from one bedroom having a full-size Skee-Ball machine in it. We don’t know how they got it in there. Did they assemble it inside? Was the house built around it? We can’t figure it out. Reference #257977

The post There’s A Skee-Ball Machine Stuck In One Of The Bedrooms appeared first on The Onion.

Marlene Audney, 83, finally found an opportunity to slip away quietly Monday when her daughter briefly left her hospice room to fetch a snack from the vending machine.

The post Marlene Audney appeared first on The Onion.

Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need to feel secure in their surroundings. But with the way people coddle their children these days, I fear we’re raising a generation that won’t be able to handle life’s basic […]

The post If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves? appeared first on The Onion.

Molly Schuetz / Bloomberg:
HPE unveils several business changes, including forming a strategy committee and appointing a new board member, as it agrees to work with Elliott to boost value  —  Hewlett Packard Enterprise Co. announced several business changes, including the formation of a new strategy committee …