MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is […]

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THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler […]

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SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us,” […]

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, […]

The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.

Bloomberg:
Robinhood launches an IPO for Robinhood Ventures Fund I, a $1B closed-end fund to provide retail investors access to private markets, offering 40M shares at $25  —  Robinhood Markets Inc. is seeking to raise $1 billion in an initial public offering of a closed-end fund designed …